Making Sense of Life

Can you have authentic happiness without love?

In the last year, I have realized that authentic and genuine love, is the only thing that matters. I am and have been guilty of getting caught up with the noise around me; how I should be for this person, compromising the person that I am, what I can do for this person, what this person needs of me, and etc. Then I finally stopped and asked myself the question “What truly matters?”. I realized that "Real Love" is what matters and I also realized what real love means. And real love includes: receiving love, giving love, and recognizing love. And most of all, how love includes our love for ourself and what we do need.

In one of my conversations a couple of days ago, Thor (alias name referred in this blog) said to me “Happiness is the only thing that matters”. So, I thought to myself, you cannot achieve “authentic” happiness without love. Does he even understand what real love is? Does he even recognize it when it is in front of him? Does he even know how to give love? Does he even know how to receive it?

Achieving “happiness” differs for every person and also has different degrees. Being filthy rich, being a mother or father, having a family, losing that weight, having the dream job, having that car or specific material items, being married, attention, fame, being popular, being the #1 athlete, and the list goes on.  We say…“If I can only have…, I will be happy”.  We receive the temporary happiness but do not last very long. Haven’t you met people that are just not happy people in general? Or individuals that most people stay away from; if they could help it?

For some reason it is hard for me to believe that a person can truly obtain real lasting happiness without love. I also think that we don’t understand the magnitude or meaning of the word, how to receive love, recognize love, or give love.

Love is attached to every form; let it be with your relationship with friends, family, spouse, significant other, your neighbor, the community, in-laws, your work, your customers, colleagues, bosses, and strangers. Love is attached to your genuine dreams and passion. Love is attached to the desire of becoming your best self. Love is attached to loving yourself; the person you want to be and the person you want to stand for. We often hear love is GOD. And if GOD is everywhere and in everything; which means it is also in you. But we often look for love outside of ourselves.Or we forget or overcompromise our love for ourself.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is the passage in Corinthians. Because it exemplifies what real love means.We mostly hear this passage in weddings or affiliated with romantic love. But this passage represents how we should love ourselves and others; not just romantically. It says:

 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”

Some of us may struggle with giving love, some with recognizing love, and some with receiving love. In that passage: Rejoices with the "truth" stands out to me. I strongly believe that we are meant to be happy and to strive for our heartfelt goals and genuine dreams. But I also think that in order for it to be realized, we have to be authentic, so truth can emerge. Truth is love. Love is genuine happiness. We struggle from benefiting from genuine happiness if we have not looked deeply at ourselves and past. Our past shapes the present situations and defines the future. History repeats itself.

We fuel our denial to keep the truth from illuminating. We find plenty of things, excuses and blaming others; until it destroys you in the unrighteous life you live, the effects on your children, friends, spouses, and family; and empty meaningless life. We would find anything that distracts our mind and soul from turning inward. The lies we convince ourselves is far more damaging than the lies you tell others. I am sure that you have met people or know people that are not authentic and blame everything on the other person or circumstance. My friend once said “That is a sign of a person who is not authentic and in denial”. Denial of reality; let it be past or the present. Denial is hell.

Truth is scary and frightening. The reality of seeing ourselves authentically is frightening and hurts to look at the most. But it also heals only to the extent that we do look. Truth is uncomfortable and demands us and knocks us down from our stubbornness, procrastination, and complacency. The irony is, I have seen denial from Christians that verbally “declare” they are superior, holy, and more righteous than non Christians. Does that come from love? Or being judgmental? These are the Christians that give good Christians a bad name. Nobody is exempt from doing the work. Because truth forces us to move; to say or do what we need to do to achieve our best self and hearts desire. Truth forces us to face our fears and stand up for the real "truth" and principles. Truth forces you to be true to who you really are. Truth forces you to be the best you can be in everything you are and do. Denial separates you from the person you are meant to be; your best self; which is the same as separating you from GOD. When you are separated and deny the truth and GOD, how can you achieve authentic happiness when we don't even know what real love is.

Please post below your thoughts, comments, feedback to the topic; it is welcomed and valuable.

Zensitive

Can fighting with friends/family be healthy?

My nephew Naruto (alias name referred in this blog), and I were having one of our quality time together yesterday and had one of our many deep talks.  Naruto is 15 years old and is wise beyond his years; which is a consistent observation from me and my entire family. I have a very close relationship with him ever since he was little and I have felt a motherly love towards him. I truly enjoy spending time with him and we can sit for hours with the TV off and doing nothing but just talking and hanging out.  He tells me a lot of intimate things that goes on in his mind and heart that his mom or other family members are not aware of, he says because I take time to sit, listen, and understand.  He also said that he feels comfortable to be candid with me. He says things sometimes that leaves a wow factor to me and I had one those wow moments.

In one of our conversations, he was talking to me about his friends; which brought up the subject about one of his fights with his best friend. Then he said “Getting in a fight with a friend can be a good thing and not necessarily bad. Sometimes, it is healthy to fight but its how you fight is what matters”. So of course, I asked further questions before I jumped the gun to understand fully what he meant or his perspective. He said, “What matters is after the fight and how it brings you closer to each other and how you both handle the fight during and after. It also tells you how strong the friendship is”. I was impressed and I am now inspired to write and dig deeper about this subject.

How do we perceive fighting? I know that growing up I was taught that fighting is a very bad thing and it is best to not fight.  The word itself is almost taboo because we see fighting as a negative word and we see it in movies affiliated with destruction, violence, wars, and hostility.  Because of that I learned at a young age to not be confrontational even when people are mean, rude, being bullies, and disrespectful to me because it is best to not get in a fight, I thought. But as an adult, you realize that there are people in life that you do have “to stand” your ground and put in check when they step over the line of boundaries and respect or being adult bullies. And this does not necessarily mean you are fighting. This is self-respect. I think that the word itself can be convoluted because we often refer to “standing up” for your self-respect and dignity as fighting.  If you think of the word “standing up” versus “fighting”; I see 2 different images. Standing up is someone who falls down but stands up with the 2 feet on the ground. Fighting is someone who is standing there throwing jabs at you; let it be destructive mean words or behavior. But if you see the 2 image, wouldn’t you say there is a difference? But maybe fighting have different degrees just like a temperature and is not all in one category? Or maybe we use the word “fighting” so casually that everything gets referred to the word “fighting”.  We often hear from people or say to others, “We are not talking because we are fighting”. Or “We got in a fight”.

I remember one of my friends, Angelina Jolie (referred in this blog), called me one time regarding a fight that she had with her husband regarding her mother-in-law. I could tell that there was a sense of shame for the fact that she was fighting with her; which caused her husband to be in the middle. I think she was calling me to get a validation on her stance and that it was not necessarily wrong but is being judged by her husband as wrong because he sees it as “fighting”. Angelina was standing her ground with her mother-in-law who stepped over the boundary about her 2 kids or even her role as head of household while the mother-in-law was staying at her home for a long period of time. The interesting part of it is Angelina was accused of “fighting” when merely she was standing her ground and self-respect as the wife and mother of her children. But yet, the mother-in-law was not accused of “fighting”; when the mother-in-law crossed the line and should honor and respect that Angelina is the wife and mother of her 2 grandchildren; granted that she is not abusing her children. Maybe we should think about who is standing up and who is fighting when disagreements and friction between 2 parties occur like this, what do you think? It's kind of like driving, who has the right of way?

Why do we fight? Some people fight because they are just mean natured, instigators, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or have pent up emotions that were never expressed, jealousy, not minding their own business, or have been sabotaged mentally. Some people fight because they are “standing up” for their rights; let it be respect, wrong accusations, mean words, judgmentalness, being bullied, crossing the line of boundaries, and etc.

How can the fight become good or healthy? I think that my nephew’s comment is so true. Some of my closest friends and best friends today are bonded because of the fights/arguments we have had. It allowed us to be more intimate with each other. Fights also create a sense of genuineness because of the rawness of it all, being who you are, which is flawed and imperfect. I have seen some family members and friends that have friendships that are not real, authentic, or intimate.  One of my friends who is a psychologist  told me a couple of years ago,  “It is natural for us to fight because we have to be allowed to express ourselves but expression is often referred to as fighting when it is not”. I love play on words and I was thinking about the word “Intimacy”.  Intimacy = In To Me I See.  Meaning, intimacy can only happen when you allow someone to see who you are, imperfect and flawed, without it intimacy is impossible. We only allow people to see what we want them to see, don’t you agree?

I know that fights I have had also allowed me to know and see who are my real genuine friends.  It also allowed me to see the true colors of people in how they fight. There is a difference between “fighting” and “standing up”.

Several of my married friends that have been successfully married for over 9 years tell me all the time about their fights in their marriage; which I appreciate them sharing their lessons, best practices, and most of all honesty. They say, “It is not a matter of how much you fight. It is how you fight and the conflict resolution that matters. Fighting right is what each marriage needs to master and not avoiding the fight”.  When I ask them what they meant by conflict resolution. They said that indicates that both people heard what the other party needs and what they will do with the information they received from the fight. If they will do something about it to create a positive change or just brush it under the carpet and ignore what the root of the problem was. I have heard this said so many times in my life even before I was married and I think to myself, there has to be truth to this statement about fighting in general and not just fighting in a marriage.  When you think about it, it is in the same basis as what my 15 year old nephew said.  He just said it in a manner that he can relate to his world.

When does fighting become bad?  Fighting becomes bad when people start becoming destructive, vindictive, devious, conniving, malicious, and intentionally hurtful to destroy someone.  Aren’t those the same characteristics of the wars we see today? When “standing up” has been taken to another level and degree and reached outside the temperature gauge.  We watch the news and see the global wars in our life. But do we see that maybe we do the same thing in our own little life?

There is a difference between “standing up” and “fighting”. When taken to another degree, fighting no longer becomes healthy. But if managed and done correctly, it could be a very healthy thing for the relationship itself. It seems like fighting is the boiling point of a person because they have held back for so long, and it becomes the moment of truth.

Please post below your thoughts, comments, feedback to the topic; it is welcomed and valuable.

Zensitive

 

Does it take another man/woman to get over the last?

I was talking to my best friend (referred as Pocahontas in this blog) the other day who is single and she asked me “Why do people keep telling me that it takes another man to get over the last?” Pocahontas is in her late 30's and has been in the single scene for all this time and have never been married or have any kids. She is constantly being told this concept by people. When Pocahontas and I speak, we can be easily lost in the moment and the conversation. And I had one of those moments that left me with the thought. But the question that I want to ask you, does that really work?

I am sure that you have heard that saying before or have actually been told to you at some point in your life. Or maybe now; like Pocahontas. As I sit here and contemplate about this topic, I have to try to relate to this subject so that I can write and think about it. Therefore, I have to recall my single years and also think about the theory itself. My initial gut instinct tells me that there is something wrong with it. It sounds good but it does not feel right.  But how many of us do things because it sounds good and not study it first? Or maybe because that is what everyone is telling you to do or what everyone is doing? Not a very wise idea, don’t you think?

I was single until my early 30's and had many single friends and still do and this is a common mindset in the single community. Now that I think about it, you don’t even have to be single, separated, or in the process of divorce to relate. Wouldn’t that be the same concept of the replacement method? We replace something in our life to replace it with another; let it be friends, intimate relationships, family, material items, addiction, behavior, and etc.

In the last couple of years, Pocahontas would date another man to get over the last. It appears as a temporary fix but not a permanent solution because it seems like she is always trying to get over another guy and it is a cyclical pattern. Wouldn't this be the same thing as a person who has been married more than 4-5x? Because I promised her that I would write this blog, I decided to ask single and formerly single people as well.

So why do we do it?  We do it because we are trying to make ourselves feel better; so we think. By our bad attempt to numb the pain, not face the truth about ourselves and/or the other person, and loneliness. I had others tell me that it boosts their confidence, make them feel worthy and attractive, and some of them say purely for sexual reasons.

Does it work? The people I asked said yes and no depending on the motive or intention for doing it . It did help increase their confidence by realizing their attractiveness and worthiness. For these people, they said that it made them only re-discover this but keeping and maintaining that belief and knowing is up to them and not dependent on the new man/woman. And some people actually felt worse because of what the buffet had to offer; not very good selections or choices; at least not better than what they had before. Then some people said that it did help to a degree with loneliness as far as being able to be in a company of another instead of being alone. And for these people, they said that the loneliness was still there as soon as they are by themselves. And a couple of them said that, they actually felt lonelier because it was not the “ideal company” they need or want. It was merely just another body occupying space and time. And for those parties that did it for sexual reasons, well they received their instant gratification for that moment in time. A moment of high I guess. But you cannot keep that high for a very long time just like any drugs, and still have to face reality at some point.

The big question that all parties asked, is it different for men versus women? Some of them say that it is easier for women because women talk about their feelings and men don’t. Some of them say that it is easier for men because men are good at brushing things under the carpet and non emotional. Some of them say that it is equally the same because they are both human beings with real emotions, issues, and problems. And some of them say that it really depends on the person’s ethics, values, principles, and accountability. What do you think?

Pocahontas also asked me would cultural difference also affect this concept or perspective? What do you think?

What are the consequences by doing this? All of them said, someone gets hurt. Let it be yourself or the other man/woman you are involving. The other people involved typically are not aware of the burden emotionally you are carrying from your last relationship; especially when a person is good at faking and hiding it. The other person can also have a great amount of interest in you but you are not emotionally there to be present for that person or relationship; and end up making that person feel inadequate, not good enough, unattractive, and question themselves. Do you actually want to play a part in making someone feel that way? A couple of them said, you can catch diseases or get someone pregnant that you don’t want to have kids with. And they all said that you can end up being in a relationship that is not good for you because of the mindframe you were in. And they all said, you hurt yourself by not doing the work of letting go and learning from your lesson because you will see that the same pattern will occur in the next relationship. And at some point, the blaming has to stop and you will have to face the truth about yourself. They all agreed that people have to consider their ethics and principles in life; that we all fail at times.

What is the right amount of time when you know you are ready to date another man/woman? Is there a timeframe?  And it no longer qualifies as a rebound? My male friend said, “When I have peace”. Another female friend said, “I know when I am completely over someone when I care for that person as a human being and I have accepted the truth about the relationship or the person. And I am no longer making excuses for them, what they have done, the "what if", pointing the finger and blaming”. My colleague said “My biggest clue is when I have no interest at all to think about them, ponder on the memories, or even curious to what they are doing or where they are right now”. Another person said “I ask myself 3 questions, how would I feel at that moment if I saw them tomorrow? Would there be pain and love and anger? How would I feel afterwards when we say our goodbyes; would I miss them or remember the love or be at peace?” So I asked him, what if you do feel that love or missing that person after seeing them or saying goodbye? He said "This happened to me one time in my life and still today about the same person, I realize the mistake I made in the relationship but was stupid to not see it about myself then and it is now too late". And today, this  same person married the new woman, 3 years after,  but he tells me that it is just not the same but he does not show it he just feels it in his heart.

We can run but we cannot hide. No matter who you were with or presently with is for a reason; it is up to you to see the reason. Regardless of who you were with, the relationship you had with that person cannot be identical to another because there is not another person that is 100% like them. And the combination of you and that person is what made that relatiionship special and also painful. We are all unique and different. So if you are looking to find that same person or what you exactly had in that relationship, it is not possible. And whoever you will be with next, is another reason and beauty of it’s own but you have to be there fully present – mind, body, and spirit to see it. Or you will miss the point and take the risk or chance of ruining a relationship with that woman/man that is the right one.

Please post below your thoughts, comments, and responses to the topic, your feedback is encouraged and valuable.

 Zensitive

 

What does it mean to be a step parent or becoming a step parent?

In the last 3-4 weeks, my friends, colleagues, and family members that are step parents thought I should write a blog about this to share their stories and challenges that are overlooked and sometimes not considered. So I am...

I got married later in age in comparison to most of my friends and family members; by choice. Most of them got married right after college or in their 20's; I got married in my early 30's. I decided to get married later in age because of a checklist that was given to me by many married people that I met along the way in my life; in my attempt to learn lessons through their experience that I should be aware of as a person and as a woman. The to do's before you join the marriage community. A person should: graduate from college, be independent, self-sufficient, travel, accomplish some form of personal and professional success, be comfortable with who you are and what you want. Then I remember these people telling me things to consider or to be discussed with the person you marry: topics like: finances, career, chores, male/female roles and expectations, sex, religion, and etc. But they forgot to tell me about the challenges and realities of being a step parent. How did I miss that? At that time, most of my friends and colleagues that I interacted with were not step parents.  A couple of them were dating someone with kids; but reality is different when you are married to someone with kids versus dating someone with kids. It is hard to explain but it just is. That would be another blog. It is only later that I realized this when I became a step parent. I guess sometimes in life, you just have to experience it yourself to understand it even if someone gave you a manual about the subject. A person will not get it until they are there and experiencing it for themselves. To be honest with you, I think there are just too many things about marriage to remember and cover.

My friends with kids of their own shares with me their challenges of being a mother and the juggling act of the kids, their schedule, disciplining, school and family events, their spouse, maintaining and cleaning the house, pets, their career, in-laws, cooking, household errands, their marriage, their needs as a man/woman, and trying to find time for themselves and their friends. Just typing that was exhausting! You are probably thinking, my spouse does not work or cook or whatever, the magnitude of it is different for every person depending on how much it is they have to juggle. But regardless, it is difficult and should not be disregarded.

And now I have friends, family members, colleagues that are step parents but without kids of their own; including me.  When I hear their stories and challenges; I hear the common thread of what makes it challenging; not feeling apart of or feeling like you are not in the same team with your spouse regarding your step child. We have similar challenges with my friends with kids of their own but there are additional things that they don’t have to deal with and vice versa.  I also have friends who have kids of their own and are also step parents; talk about double whammy! By the way, I am only referring to step parents that are good people, wants to help out the child, tries to do the right thing, and do their best and not the “evil step parent” in the Cinderella movie; who starves and abuses their step children.

A couple of my girlfriends and my sister once told me “being a step parent is a martyr’s job” and “being a step parent is a selfless job”. When it is a child of your own, there is a natural bond, closeness, and love for that child; simply because it is yours. You see your personality, mannerisms, and features in them. They come from you bottom-line. When you are a step parent to a child, you are inheriting the child’s personality that you were not apart of in developing, the child’s behavior or perception that they were taught in the 2 homes, and also the belief system that may not be the same as yours. You are also inheriting the drama or chaos between the 2 parents; that was there before you joined the party. As a step parent, your spouse has an automatic defensiveness and sensitivity to you regarding their child even if it is to the child’s benefit and highest good; simply because you are not the “mother” or “father”.  It seems that step parent almost has to stand before a judge and jury with their spouse, the other house, or even other family members to stand their ground, justify their reasoning, fight for their rights as a wife or also head of household, and defend themselves of any form of accusations that are not true. What an exhausting life that is. At the end of the day, kids know who their real mom and dads are; and they are also aware that their step parent is their step parent. Wouldn’t you say that is true?

Parents can discipline their child directly but to a step parent this could be sensitive and fragile topic. It is fragile because you have to consider both parents; your spouse and the other parent. What if your belief system is different from the other house and/or your spouse? What if your spouse contradicts the rule with your step child versus your child together or future kids? If a step parent says something for the benefit of the child, it can also backfire and be used against the step parent and the spouse from the other house; which adds more drama instead of just conforming. What if the other parent still has issues with your spouse, a negative miserable person, there is jealousy, or caught up with making sure that their child is on their side regardless; and sometimes your spouse is also guilty of this? . What if you have in-laws that also interfere with how you should be to your step child? All of these things affect the step parent and how they walk on eggshells

How about a step child who back talks, interferes with decisions or topics that is between you and your spouse, argumentative, and does not treat the step parent with respect? How about step kids that takes the side of your spouse or tries to get involved even when they don’t know the whole story or let alone the truth? That should not even be allowed to occur and the other parent should nip that in the bud regardless if the justification is that they are allowed to do that in the other house. Because it is about your household. The spouse, who is the actual parent to the step child, should truly be on the same page and team with the step parent regarding disciplining, household rules, respect, behavior, demeanor, minding their own business, and etc. As the actual parent, they have to teach their child what is allowed and not allowed in the home; that includes interaction with the step parent. As a child, it is natural for them to test what they can get away with unless told otherwise. Don't you agree that kids are this way? If the actual parent does not say anything, the child does not know any better and think that behavior or act is ok to do to that person or house. When a parent doesn’t, that parent is enabling that bad behavior and disrespect to occur in your home. And what kids learn to do at home typically they do outside of the home also. And like any children, the actual parent has to be consistent and repetitive each time a bad behavior occurs. If the child only hears this from a step parent, it has little or no weight, than it is for the child to hear that from the actual parent.  Wouldn’t that be the same rule if it was your child together? Then why is it difficult to do that when there are step parents involved? The true responsibility weighs heavily on the actual parent but for some reason people think that once they remarry, their new spouse who becomes the step parent, can take that role and responsibility from them. But what they fail to see, the new step parent can help, but true movement can only happen with them implementing and being involved in their words and behavior to drive the attempt for change.  The child knows who the real mom and dads are. Without this involvement from the actual parent, the step parent feels used, taken for granted, unappreciated, and a stranger to their own home.

I have seen my friends and family members do so many kind things for their step kids that is behind the scenes and sometimes not so obvious. They do this from the goodness of their heart and their attempt to do the right thing.  And often times, the step child does not know or recognize these kind acts from their step parent because the step parents that I know do not brag or justify their existence or good works towards their step child. These good acts can only be recognized with the assistance of the spouse, the actual parent. You are married to them and they should know what value you bring. If they don't, perhaps they lost sight of what maters. It could be as simple as the step parent working and helping with the bills, buying clothes or food, being a good role model, planning fun vacations or activities, cooking, teaching, helping, or the step parent encouraging or advising the actual parent/spouse to do the right thing and the highest good for the child.  Shouldn’t this be enough reason to justify the good intent of the step parent for the spouse to be in the same team as their husband/wife?

Step parents feel unappreciated when they are not being recognized, respected, or appreciated; these are selfless acts especially to a child that is not their own. My very good friend told me the other day, “It would be nice if my husband told my step daughter to say thank you to me” about something she did for her without her knowing. Most of the step parents I know feel the disconnect or step parent issues from their spouse not their actual step child. They are aware that a child is a child but the adult should know better about common sense, ethics, principles, and emotional consideration.

It is not an easy task being a step parent to kids that still live at home. This remains to be consistent and true from every step parent that I know or have met. There is no black and white answer that applies to all; but a marriage should be a "true partnership". The husband and wife should be on the same page and the same team; no matter what. But often times, people don't understand what it means to be on the same team. There should be real talks on what it really means for the "husband and wife" to be on the same team and how words or behaviors or lack of can contradict the "team" perspective. Most of all, it requires great consideration of the other person's challenges as the step parent because it is a "selfless job".

 

In the last 3-4 weeks, my friends, colleagues, and family members that are step parents thought I should write a blog about this to share their stories, challenges, and experience. So I am...

I got married later in age in comparison to most of my friends and family members; by choice. Most of them got married right after college or in their 20's; I got married in my early 30's. I decided to get married later in age because of a checklist that was given to me by many married people that I met along the way in my life; in my attempt to learn lessons through their experience that I should be aware of as a person and as a woman. The to do's before you join the marriage community. A person should: graduate from college, be independent, self-sufficient, travel, accomplish some form of personal and professional success, be comfortable with who you are and what you want. Then I remember these people telling me things to consider or to be discussed with the person you marry: topics like: finances, career, chores, male/female roles and expectations, sex, religion, child bearing, and etc. But they forgot to tell me about the challenges and realities of being a step parent. How did I miss that?! At that time, most of my friends and colleagues that I interacted with were not step parents.  A couple of them were dating someone with kids; but reality is different when you are married to someone with kids versus dating someone with kids. It is hard to explain but it just is. I am sure you've heard of the famous saying "everything changes when you are married". That would be another blog. It is only later that I realized this when I became a step parent. I guess sometimes in life, you just have to experience it yourself to understand it even if someone gave you a manual about the subject. A person will not get it until they are there and experiencing it for themselves. To be honest with you, I think there are just too many things about marriage to remember and cover. Did I actually think that I can cover all topics with a checklist? Are you guilty of this?

My friends with kids of their own shares with me their challenges of being a mother and the juggling act of the kids, their schedule, disciplining, school and family events, their spouse, maintaining and cleaning the house, pets, their career, in-laws, cooking, household errands, their marriage, their needs as a man/woman, and trying to find time for themselves and their friends. Just typing that was exhausting! You are probably thinking, my spouse does not work or cook or whatever, the magnitude of it is different for every person depending on how much it is they have to juggle. But regardless, it is difficult and should not be disregarded.

And now I have friends, family members, colleagues that are step parents but without kids of their own; including me.  When I hear their stories and challenges; I hear the common thread of what makes it challenging; not feeling apart of or feeling like you are not in the same team with your spouse regarding your step child. We have similar challenges with my friends with kids of their own ; the juggling act; but there are additional things that they don’t have to deal with and vice versa.

I also have friends who have kids of their own and are also step parents; talk about double whammy! The exact phrasing of my friend "double whammy!". What...the brady bunch show is not real? By the way, in this blog I am only referring to step parents that are good people, wants to help out the child, tries to do the right thing, and do their best and not the “evil step parent” in the Cinderella movie; who starves and abuses their step children. I do know people that are horrible and mean step parents but that is another blog.

A couple of my girlfriends and my sister once told me “being a step parent is a martyr’s job” and “being a step parent is a selfless job”. When it is a child of your own, there is a natural bond, closeness, and love for that child; simply because it is yours. You see your personality, mannerisms, and features in them. They come from you bottom-line. When you are a step parent to a child, you are inheriting the child’s personality that you were not apart of in developing, the child’s behavior or perception that they were taught in the 2 homes, and also the belief system that may not be the same as yours. You are also inheriting the drama or chaos between the 2 parents; that was there before you joined the party. As a step parent, your spouse has an automatic defensiveness and sensitivity to you regarding their child even if it is to the child’s benefit and highest good; simply because you are not the “mother” or “father”.  It seems that step parent almost has to stand before a judge and jury with their spouse, the other house, or even other family members to stand their ground, justify their reasoning, fight for their rights as a wife/husband or also head of household, and defend themselves of any form of accusations that are not true. What an exhausting life that is. At the end of the day, kids know who their real mom and dads are; and they are also aware that their step parent is their step parent. Wouldn’t you say that is true?

Parents can discipline their child directly but to a step parent this could be sensitive and fragile topic. It is fragile because you have to consider both parents; your spouse and the other parent. What if your belief system is different from the other house and/or your spouse? What if your spouse contradicts the rule with your step child versus your child together or future kids? If a step parent says something for the benefit of the child, it can also backfire and be used against the step parent and the spouse from the other house; which adds more drama instead of just conforming. What if the other parent still has issues with your spouse, a negative miserable person, there is jealousy, or caught up with making sure that their child is on their side regardless; and sometimes your spouse is also guilty of this? . What if you have in-laws or even your own family members that also interfere with how you should be to your step child? All of these things affect the step parent and how they walk on eggshells and may have a sensitivity to the topic. It seems like a step parent has to consider many people involved but who is being considerate of the step parent?

How about a step child who back talks, interferes with decisions or topics that is between you and your spouse, argumentative, and does not treat the step parent with respect? How about step kids that takes the side of your spouse or tries to get involved even when they don’t know the whole story or let alone the truth? That should not even be allowed to occur and the other parent should nip that in the bud regardless if the justification is that they are allowed to do that in the other house. Because it is about your household. The spouse, who is the actual parent to the step child, should truly be on the same page and team with the step parent regarding disciplining, household rules, respect, behavior, demeanor, minding their own business, and etc. As the actual parent, they have to teach their child what is allowed and not allowed in the home; that includes interaction with the step parent. As a child, it is natural for them to test what they can get away with unless told otherwise. Don't you agree that kids are this way? If the actual parent does not say anything, the child does not know any better and think that behavior or act is ok to do to that person or house. When a parent doesn’t, that parent is enabling that bad behavior and disrespect to occur in your home. And what kids learn to do at home typically they do outside of the home also. And like any children, the actual parent has to be consistent and repetitive each time a bad behavior occurs. If the child only hears this from a step parent, it has little or no weight, than it is for the child to hear that from the actual parent.  Wouldn’t that be the same rule if it was your child together? Then why is it difficult to do that when there are step parents involved? The true responsibility weighs heavily on the actual parent but for some reason people think that once they remarry, their new spouse who becomes the step parent, can take that role and responsibility from them. But what they fail to see, the new step parent can help, but true movement can only happen with them implementing and being involved in their words and behavior to drive the attempt for change.  The child knows who the real mom and dads are. Without this involvement from the actual parent, the step parent feels used, taken for granted, unappreciated, and a stranger to their own home. Is that a great way to make your spouse feel important or relevant?

I have seen my friends and family members do so many kind things for their step kids that is behind the scenes and sometimes not so obvious. They do this from the goodness of their heart and their attempt to do the right thing.  And often times, the step child does not know or recognize these kind acts from their step parent because the step parents that I know do not brag or justify their existence or good works towards their step child. These good acts can only be recognized with the assistance of the spouse, the actual parent. Or should step parents walk around in life reminding everybody especially the step child of all the things they do for them? You are married to them and they should know what value you bring. If they don't, perhaps they lost sight of what maters. It could be as simple as the step parent working and helping with the bills, buying clothes or food, being a good role model, planning fun vacations or activities, cooking, teaching, helping, or the step parent encouraging or advising the actual parent/spouse to do the right thing and the highest good for the child, or even just a positive influence to the spouse.  Shouldn’t this be enough reason to justify the good intent of the step parent for the spouse to be in the same team as their husband/wife?

Step parents feel unappreciated when they are not being recognized, respected, or appreciated; these are selfless acts especially to a child that is not their own. My very good friend told me the other day, “It would be nice if my husband told my step daughter to say thank you to me” about something she did for her without her knowing. Most of the step parents I know feel the disconnect or step parent issues from their spouse not their actual step child. They are aware that a child is a child but the adult should know better about common sense, ethics, principles, and emotional consideration.

It is not an easy task being a step parent to kids that still live at home. This remains to be consistent and true from every step parent that I know or have met. There is no black and white answer that applies to all; but a marriage should be a "true partnership". The husband and wife should be on the same page and the same team; no matter what. I met this woman at a party a couple of weeks ago and she randomnly shared to me about her key success to her 11 year marriage. She said that her and her husband's #1 priority is each other over her kids, step kids, friends, or family. Because if her and her husband are strong and are on the same page and same team about everything they do and say; her kids and her step kids all benefit and reap the rewards. She mentioned that he completely 100% defends and stands up for her to her step kids, in-laws, and etc because he wants to make sure that she feels that she is #1 priority. How many times have I heard from men and women about feeling like they are not on the same team with their spouse? But often times, spouses don't understand what it means to be on the same team and what their spouse; the step parent, needs from them. There should be real talks on what it really means for the "husband and wife" to be on the same team and how words or behaviors or lack of can contradict the "team" perspective. Most of all, it requires great consideration of the other person's challenges as the step parent because it is a "selfless job".

What has been your experience? Or know anyone that is a step parent? Best practices or success stories that you want to share?

Please post your thoughts, comments, and responses  below. Your feedback to the topic is valuable.

Zensitive

 

Where does our beliefs of who we are come from?

Who are we really?

 And where does it come from? And why do we believe the things that are said about who we are that is not the "truth"? And why do we continue to say who someone is that is also not the truth?

Growing up as a child I can remember all the things my mom would say who I am that is not true. Things like I am not as smart as one of my sisters or I am not as pretty. How often do you say things like that to someone or about someone?  As a child, I did not get that. But as an adult, I realize that it has no truth to it because our intelligence and expertise and strengths varies and truly is not apple to apple. I also realized that perception of beauty differs for every person as well and that I also had no problems with the boys growing up. But can you imagine if something like that was told to someone and they believed it?

I see and hear these type of destructive behavior with other parents, teachers, friends, and even strangers. Judgmental words  that are not true nor constructive. They are destructive beliefs that can become a self limiting belief that a person adopts. When a person hears something so negative and destructive about who they are and what they are not, people can  start believing that this is true and become victims in their life without even realizing it. They also disregard that they always have a choice in the matter or situation; but they don't see it because the self limiting belief has completely blinded them.

I volunteered for years at Big Brother and Big Sister Program and I remember kids would tell me what their parents, family members, friends, and teachers would say to them about them that is negative and destructive. And they would ask me if that is true about them. But when they shared this with me, they were so convinced that it is true. I was amazed that most of the kids had the issues. The fact that they are in the program said a lot. Typically, kids that are in the program are considered "at risk" kids. Meaning, they are acting up or behaving badly to the point that it is out of control in the parents perspective. So they decide to bring them to the program to help them because they cannot do it.  Most of the kids were not extremely problematic actually. There were some that was truly destructive. But what we discovered was that most of the destructive thoughts and behaviors came from the home; things that was said to them about them, destroying their esteem and confidence, competitiveness, lack of real talks, lack of disciplining, and lack of true quality time. And watching TV together is not quality time. Things they learned and adopted from their parents and their environment but majority of the parents were in denial that they played a part in that.

 I hear parents say, "your a girl, girls don't do that type of work/job", "we are a poor family and we go to work at an early age and school is the last of our priority", "you are just like your father, lazy and bad tempered".  How many times have you heard similar statements in your life? Probably a lot.

How does this affect a child? A child that will become an adult; our next generation of people that may become future leaders, managers, teachers, parents, friends, and etc.  I don't know one person including myself that spends their adult life fixing their childhood pain, changing the negative pattern, and learning the hard way the ways they have learned that is no longer working for them anymore. Often times, triggered through chaos, heartache, catastrophe, or hitting rock bottom. But then there are people, that still spends their adult life with their blinders on and cannot see their own blind spots. And still cannot see their choice in everything; including the NOW. We have a choice in how we react, interpret, and how something will form us or become a part of us. We have a choice in the type of person we want to be, life we want to live, and what we want to stand for.

It has been scientifically proven that we are not our environment. It is our choice in what we believe we can and cannot do. We only inherit so many things from our parents; ie our color hair, body shape, eyes, etc. But our talents, skills, personality, IQ, emotional inteligence, wisdom, strength, courage, capacity, and how we will become has nothing to do with our DNA. But has everything to do with our own biology of our beliefs.

Biblically, you read the word "I am" in reference to God. I find that to be so fascinating and interesting. Does that mean I am who I say I am? Meaning, if you say "I am bad", then your belief system believes that also; therefore, your actions, choices, and words will follow. We are what we say we are.

If that is the case, then why can't we just create environment for our kids and our loved ones that is non judgmental, supportive, non competitive, and loving. And to believe in each other and the good that is in all of us. But we continue to project our own issues and damages to others without even realizing the ripple effect.

Please post your thoughts, comments, and responses below. Your feedback to the topic is valuable.

Zensitive

How important is it to share?

I remember as a child my parents constantly told us to "share" and that it is good to share. I should share my toys and food with my siblings or other kids around. When my cousins were over, my mom would tell us to share our toys with them.

As an adult, I hear myself saying the same things to kids. I hear strangers, friends, and family say this also. Cartoons or kids show talks about sharing. I remember my nephew watching "Dora" one time and she emphasized that "sharing is caring".  We have all heard that at some point in our life. Haven't we?

But do we really know what sharing really means? Or ways we could share? How sharing impacts our life and the life of others? How sharing impacts our world today, tomorrow, and the future?

"Sharing" - a 2 syllable word but yet so powerful. I have witnessed in myself, friends, family, colleagues, and etc. how we often fail at sharing. Do we explain the magnitude of the word beyond their toys and food? Or maybe our own limitation of understanding the very meaning of the word limits us in explaining to kids and even other adults.

We are all unique individuals and not one person is identical. We can have things in common but not one person or situation is ever identical; it is humanly impossible. Why?  Each person comes from a specific background, life experiences, upbringing, family, environment, personality, unique talents and skills, perception, ways of thinking, and even the people that came in and out of their life is also different. These people that come in and out of our life leaves a mark to us; let it be good or bad; it is up to you how you interpret it.

Because of our individual uniqueness, personal journey, experiences, and path; we all have something to share. But we often don't. I have seen friends, family, and colleagues hide the truth about their own life experience, pain, trials, tribulations, or lessons that they are experiencing or have experienced. How about a friend or family that shares an experience with you but yet you don’t relate or share back, has that happened to you?

What stops us from sharing? Based on my observation, people don't because of pride, ego, image and reputation they want to uphold, wanting approval, fear of judgment, fear of being criticized, and fear of being looked down on; especially when the lesson or story is painful and does not bring them or their life to the highest light. But there are people that are courageous and share with others the truth because they know that it will make a difference to someone else’s life.

Sharing allows people to feel connected with others in a world that emphasizes on difference. Sharing allows people to feel that they are not alone with that experience or emotion and that it is part of our own journey to our life. Sharing helps people see and understand the other worlds that exist; the world outside of our own day to day life; that is just a speck to the bigger picture. Sharing allows people to learn through others. Sharing allows a person to make a positive difference in someone else's life by paying it forward from their own lesson that they learned.

Technologies today and the whole social media, isn't that all about sharing to some degree? Even the evolution of internet is a form of sharing. You can find information written or created by an individual; the act itself is a form of sharing. Being able to share and connect with others. We are now able to provide feedback and reviews on restaurants and etc from our own experience; isn't that sharing?  The very nature of blogging, isn't that sharing? Businesses around the world are identifying ways to do business utilizing social media; because they see the importance of this to mankind. Maybe because sharing is the very nature of who we really are?

How about movies? Written by a person based on a life experience perceived and interpreted in an artistic format. But if you think about it, there is someone in this world that has a similar story. How crazy are we about seeing movies? I know I that I love movies and often relate to characters or even the story of the movie itself. Can't you? Isn't that a form of sharing but we just probably don't see it that way?

In business, I also see how people fail to share. Collaboration is sometimes the word used in business; but is really sharing.  Each person in a company have something to offer; I believe. It does not matter if you are an assistant or the cafeteria lady. I sit in meetings and hardly observe people sharing their thoughts or opinions. Why? Because they are afraid what people will think? Or they are too busy thinking about what they should say that is intelligent?  Or could be as simple as not wanting to be judged or criticized? I have seen the positive effects of sharing in a business; new ideas created, innovations, strategies, and just ways to better and improve the topic at hand. Sharing or collaboration expands perspective and knowledge and also increases morale and motivation; because the platform allows their voice to be heard and to matter.

Sharing could be material items you own or have, your time, your voice, your opinion, your lessons, your truth, your experience, your knowledge, and even your presence.

I thought to myself, how would not sharing affect someone? For me as an example, when I don't share my thoughts, life, experiences; basically who I really am; people judge and assume who I am based on my physical appearance, occupation, lifestyle, and basically external factors that their eyes can only see; which is limited. The irony is that they don't realize the depth of the person that is in front of them and that most of their assumptions of who I am, upbringing, and etc is very inaccurate. Perhaps that is my fault for not sharing with that person; maybe because I also have the same fear of being judged or criticized. Let's face it, it is hard to share with people that are close minded, insensitive, opinionated, bad listener, negative, judgmental, compares you, bitter about the subject, does not really care, and jumps into conclusions. Right? Who wants to share with someone like that? I know I don’t. And if you do, you are one my heroes because that is not always an easy thing to do. That is sad and unfortunate for those type people that we find it difficult to share with because they are missing out in the beauty of it all. But I believe that at some point in their life, they will realize this. Because life seems to force us to learn the hard way, don't you think? Now or later is the question? 

We are all different and unique individuals but we all have things in common. And what bonds all human beings together is the root of our emotions. Each story and each experience is rooted by these emotions. Fear is fear. Pain is pain. Betrayal is betrayal. Joy is joy and etc. Sharing allows us to see our commonalities as human beings and the struggles we face in our own unique journey that appears separate but really not.

When was the last time you shared? Did you feel that it made a difference? What stops you from sharing?

Please post your thoughts, comments, and responses below. Your feedback to the topic is valuable.

Zensitive

Motivation

Micro-managing removes a person autonomy and motivation. I remember having a boss at one time that was a micro manager with everybody in the group and those he interacted with in the company. This same manager also had the most negative persception of people's work ethic. He believed that people are natural liars, lazy, and really don't want to work and that employees need to be monitored at all times; this includes senior level type of staff. I tend to disagree with that. I don't know 1 person who honestly does not want to grow and evolve in some form or another. Isn't it our nature to want to evolve? We were all kids at one time and I don't know a 2 year old toddler who is not naturally curious and the desire to discover. We want to strive for something better, make a difference, and bring value. Maybe not necessarily for fame but something better for our life; let it be with our profession, as a parent, as a friend, and etc. But I feel that a person can lose that drive or motivation from their  environment; let it be from their  upbringing, parents, teachers, bosses, and etc. If a person is in an environment that does not allow them to grow or succeed, it can poison, sabotage, and manipulate the very nature of who we really. And that motivation or drive can naturally die gradually or instantly. I have 3 friends right now that is experiencing the gradual death of motivation.

The negative perception that my previous manager had about people's work ethic only  limits that Manager  or person from developing his team, living with a sense of purpose, or even their own sense of growth or pursuit for mastery. That Manager creates barriers that limits that employee to do their job better or even contribute something greater for the company. This is very sad and unfortunate. Can you imagine people that are creative , artistic, or have great ideas; if these people were in the right environment; I can imagine the innovative and creative possibilities. It makes me wonder, if a person has this type of dark perception about people, I would think that this is the truth that he/she sees in himself that they are projecting to others... 

Does micro managing really work? Isn't that the old way of managing? A dinosaur theory of management? How does that serve the greater good?

In my friend's specific situation, which triggered this blog, is the top performer of  his group and he was the one who was constantly assigned new projects and assignments. According to his boss, he is "the most driven employee he has".  It makes me wonder, why is his boss micro-managing him? At first I thought, maybe he is micro-managing him because of lack of performance but in this case, maybe his boss is just a micro-manager period. In his case, he is actually losing interest in the job itself.

So, I decided to ask a couple of people that were honest enough to admit that they were low performers. I asked them if micro-management motivates them to perform at a higher standard. And they said that if and when it does, it is only temporarily because of fear. So they are driven for a short period of time because of fear. But what they realize is that they have a difficult time sustaining that run for a certain period of time. Then the cycle repeats again. The boss would have to micro-manage again and lead by fear. So I asked, what would drive you better? And these people said if they felt they had a purpose or feeling like they are apart of something bigger. Basically, to feel like they are doing something great and made to feel like what they did even something small mattered.  And of course, some of them would say money but not all.  But most of these people I asked were getting paid in the salary range that meets their basic needs and requirements.

Micro-management only makes a person feel inadequate, irrelevant, and incapable. Is that a good way of motivating your top performers or team to drive them to do what you want them to do? And if they are poor performers, is that the most effective way of driving them to action?  I believe that guidelines and standards are necessary but I also think that you have to allow people to do what they are good at and give them the opportunity, space, and the environment to shine , grow, and achieve self mastery. Because self mastery is achieved through constant repetition  and learning from each failure until we get it right. Isn't that the story of our life?

We are motivated differently but I also think that we all have something in common; we all want to grow.   What motivates you?

Please post your thoughts, comments, and responses below. Your feedback to the topic is valuable.

 Zensitive