In the last 3-4 weeks, my friends, colleagues, and family members that are step parents thought I should write a blog about this to share their stories and challenges that are overlooked and sometimes not considered. So I am...
I got married later in age in comparison to most of my friends and family members; by choice. Most of them got married right after college or in their 20's; I got married in my early 30's. I decided to get married later in age because of a checklist that was given to me by many married people that I met along the way in my life; in my attempt to learn lessons through their experience that I should be aware of as a person and as a woman. The to do's before you join the marriage community. A person should: graduate from college, be independent, self-sufficient, travel, accomplish some form of personal and professional success, be comfortable with who you are and what you want. Then I remember these people telling me things to consider or to be discussed with the person you marry: topics like: finances, career, chores, male/female roles and expectations, sex, religion, and etc. But they forgot to tell me about the challenges and realities of being a step parent. How did I miss that? At that time, most of my friends and colleagues that I interacted with were not step parents. A couple of them were dating someone with kids; but reality is different when you are married to someone with kids versus dating someone with kids. It is hard to explain but it just is. That would be another blog. It is only later that I realized this when I became a step parent. I guess sometimes in life, you just have to experience it yourself to understand it even if someone gave you a manual about the subject. A person will not get it until they are there and experiencing it for themselves. To be honest with you, I think there are just too many things about marriage to remember and cover.
My friends with kids of their own shares with me their challenges of being a mother and the juggling act of the kids, their schedule, disciplining, school and family events, their spouse, maintaining and cleaning the house, pets, their career, in-laws, cooking, household errands, their marriage, their needs as a man/woman, and trying to find time for themselves and their friends. Just typing that was exhausting! You are probably thinking, my spouse does not work or cook or whatever, the magnitude of it is different for every person depending on how much it is they have to juggle. But regardless, it is difficult and should not be disregarded.
And now I have friends, family members, colleagues that are step parents but without kids of their own; including me. When I hear their stories and challenges; I hear the common thread of what makes it challenging; not feeling apart of or feeling like you are not in the same team with your spouse regarding your step child. We have similar challenges with my friends with kids of their own but there are additional things that they don’t have to deal with and vice versa. I also have friends who have kids of their own and are also step parents; talk about double whammy! By the way, I am only referring to step parents that are good people, wants to help out the child, tries to do the right thing, and do their best and not the “evil step parent” in the Cinderella movie; who starves and abuses their step children.
A couple of my girlfriends and my sister once told me “being a step parent is a martyr’s job” and “being a step parent is a selfless job”. When it is a child of your own, there is a natural bond, closeness, and love for that child; simply because it is yours. You see your personality, mannerisms, and features in them. They come from you bottom-line. When you are a step parent to a child, you are inheriting the child’s personality that you were not apart of in developing, the child’s behavior or perception that they were taught in the 2 homes, and also the belief system that may not be the same as yours. You are also inheriting the drama or chaos between the 2 parents; that was there before you joined the party. As a step parent, your spouse has an automatic defensiveness and sensitivity to you regarding their child even if it is to the child’s benefit and highest good; simply because you are not the “mother” or “father”. It seems that step parent almost has to stand before a judge and jury with their spouse, the other house, or even other family members to stand their ground, justify their reasoning, fight for their rights as a wife or also head of household, and defend themselves of any form of accusations that are not true. What an exhausting life that is. At the end of the day, kids know who their real mom and dads are; and they are also aware that their step parent is their step parent. Wouldn’t you say that is true?
Parents can discipline their child directly but to a step parent this could be sensitive and fragile topic. It is fragile because you have to consider both parents; your spouse and the other parent. What if your belief system is different from the other house and/or your spouse? What if your spouse contradicts the rule with your step child versus your child together or future kids? If a step parent says something for the benefit of the child, it can also backfire and be used against the step parent and the spouse from the other house; which adds more drama instead of just conforming. What if the other parent still has issues with your spouse, a negative miserable person, there is jealousy, or caught up with making sure that their child is on their side regardless; and sometimes your spouse is also guilty of this? . What if you have in-laws that also interfere with how you should be to your step child? All of these things affect the step parent and how they walk on eggshells
How about a step child who back talks, interferes with decisions or topics that is between you and your spouse, argumentative, and does not treat the step parent with respect? How about step kids that takes the side of your spouse or tries to get involved even when they don’t know the whole story or let alone the truth? That should not even be allowed to occur and the other parent should nip that in the bud regardless if the justification is that they are allowed to do that in the other house. Because it is about your household. The spouse, who is the actual parent to the step child, should truly be on the same page and team with the step parent regarding disciplining, household rules, respect, behavior, demeanor, minding their own business, and etc. As the actual parent, they have to teach their child what is allowed and not allowed in the home; that includes interaction with the step parent. As a child, it is natural for them to test what they can get away with unless told otherwise. Don't you agree that kids are this way? If the actual parent does not say anything, the child does not know any better and think that behavior or act is ok to do to that person or house. When a parent doesn’t, that parent is enabling that bad behavior and disrespect to occur in your home. And what kids learn to do at home typically they do outside of the home also. And like any children, the actual parent has to be consistent and repetitive each time a bad behavior occurs. If the child only hears this from a step parent, it has little or no weight, than it is for the child to hear that from the actual parent. Wouldn’t that be the same rule if it was your child together? Then why is it difficult to do that when there are step parents involved? The true responsibility weighs heavily on the actual parent but for some reason people think that once they remarry, their new spouse who becomes the step parent, can take that role and responsibility from them. But what they fail to see, the new step parent can help, but true movement can only happen with them implementing and being involved in their words and behavior to drive the attempt for change. The child knows who the real mom and dads are. Without this involvement from the actual parent, the step parent feels used, taken for granted, unappreciated, and a stranger to their own home.
I have seen my friends and family members do so many kind things for their step kids that is behind the scenes and sometimes not so obvious. They do this from the goodness of their heart and their attempt to do the right thing. And often times, the step child does not know or recognize these kind acts from their step parent because the step parents that I know do not brag or justify their existence or good works towards their step child. These good acts can only be recognized with the assistance of the spouse, the actual parent. You are married to them and they should know what value you bring. If they don't, perhaps they lost sight of what maters. It could be as simple as the step parent working and helping with the bills, buying clothes or food, being a good role model, planning fun vacations or activities, cooking, teaching, helping, or the step parent encouraging or advising the actual parent/spouse to do the right thing and the highest good for the child. Shouldn’t this be enough reason to justify the good intent of the step parent for the spouse to be in the same team as their husband/wife?
Step parents feel unappreciated when they are not being recognized, respected, or appreciated; these are selfless acts especially to a child that is not their own. My very good friend told me the other day, “It would be nice if my husband told my step daughter to say thank you to me” about something she did for her without her knowing. Most of the step parents I know feel the disconnect or step parent issues from their spouse not their actual step child. They are aware that a child is a child but the adult should know better about common sense, ethics, principles, and emotional consideration.
It is not an easy task being a step parent to kids that still live at home. This remains to be consistent and true from every step parent that I know or have met. There is no black and white answer that applies to all; but a marriage should be a "true partnership". The husband and wife should be on the same page and the same team; no matter what. But often times, people don't understand what it means to be on the same team. There should be real talks on what it really means for the "husband and wife" to be on the same team and how words or behaviors or lack of can contradict the "team" perspective. Most of all, it requires great consideration of the other person's challenges as the step parent because it is a "selfless job".
In the last 3-4 weeks, my friends, colleagues, and family members that are step parents thought I should write a blog about this to share their stories, challenges, and experience. So I am...
I got married later in age in comparison to most of my friends and family members; by choice. Most of them got married right after college or in their 20's; I got married in my early 30's. I decided to get married later in age because of a checklist that was given to me by many married people that I met along the way in my life; in my attempt to learn lessons through their experience that I should be aware of as a person and as a woman. The to do's before you join the marriage community. A person should: graduate from college, be independent, self-sufficient, travel, accomplish some form of personal and professional success, be comfortable with who you are and what you want. Then I remember these people telling me things to consider or to be discussed with the person you marry: topics like: finances, career, chores, male/female roles and expectations, sex, religion, child bearing, and etc. But they forgot to tell me about the challenges and realities of being a step parent. How did I miss that?! At that time, most of my friends and colleagues that I interacted with were not step parents. A couple of them were dating someone with kids; but reality is different when you are married to someone with kids versus dating someone with kids. It is hard to explain but it just is. I am sure you've heard of the famous saying "everything changes when you are married". That would be another blog. It is only later that I realized this when I became a step parent. I guess sometimes in life, you just have to experience it yourself to understand it even if someone gave you a manual about the subject. A person will not get it until they are there and experiencing it for themselves. To be honest with you, I think there are just too many things about marriage to remember and cover. Did I actually think that I can cover all topics with a checklist? Are you guilty of this?
My friends with kids of their own shares with me their challenges of being a mother and the juggling act of the kids, their schedule, disciplining, school and family events, their spouse, maintaining and cleaning the house, pets, their career, in-laws, cooking, household errands, their marriage, their needs as a man/woman, and trying to find time for themselves and their friends. Just typing that was exhausting! You are probably thinking, my spouse does not work or cook or whatever, the magnitude of it is different for every person depending on how much it is they have to juggle. But regardless, it is difficult and should not be disregarded.
And now I have friends, family members, colleagues that are step parents but without kids of their own; including me. When I hear their stories and challenges; I hear the common thread of what makes it challenging; not feeling apart of or feeling like you are not in the same team with your spouse regarding your step child. We have similar challenges with my friends with kids of their own ; the juggling act; but there are additional things that they don’t have to deal with and vice versa.
I also have friends who have kids of their own and are also step parents; talk about double whammy! The exact phrasing of my friend "double whammy!". What...the brady bunch show is not real? By the way, in this blog I am only referring to step parents that are good people, wants to help out the child, tries to do the right thing, and do their best and not the “evil step parent” in the Cinderella movie; who starves and abuses their step children. I do know people that are horrible and mean step parents but that is another blog.
A couple of my girlfriends and my sister once told me “being a step parent is a martyr’s job” and “being a step parent is a selfless job”. When it is a child of your own, there is a natural bond, closeness, and love for that child; simply because it is yours. You see your personality, mannerisms, and features in them. They come from you bottom-line. When you are a step parent to a child, you are inheriting the child’s personality that you were not apart of in developing, the child’s behavior or perception that they were taught in the 2 homes, and also the belief system that may not be the same as yours. You are also inheriting the drama or chaos between the 2 parents; that was there before you joined the party. As a step parent, your spouse has an automatic defensiveness and sensitivity to you regarding their child even if it is to the child’s benefit and highest good; simply because you are not the “mother” or “father”. It seems that step parent almost has to stand before a judge and jury with their spouse, the other house, or even other family members to stand their ground, justify their reasoning, fight for their rights as a wife/husband or also head of household, and defend themselves of any form of accusations that are not true. What an exhausting life that is. At the end of the day, kids know who their real mom and dads are; and they are also aware that their step parent is their step parent. Wouldn’t you say that is true?
Parents can discipline their child directly but to a step parent this could be sensitive and fragile topic. It is fragile because you have to consider both parents; your spouse and the other parent. What if your belief system is different from the other house and/or your spouse? What if your spouse contradicts the rule with your step child versus your child together or future kids? If a step parent says something for the benefit of the child, it can also backfire and be used against the step parent and the spouse from the other house; which adds more drama instead of just conforming. What if the other parent still has issues with your spouse, a negative miserable person, there is jealousy, or caught up with making sure that their child is on their side regardless; and sometimes your spouse is also guilty of this? . What if you have in-laws or even your own family members that also interfere with how you should be to your step child? All of these things affect the step parent and how they walk on eggshells and may have a sensitivity to the topic. It seems like a step parent has to consider many people involved but who is being considerate of the step parent?
How about a step child who back talks, interferes with decisions or topics that is between you and your spouse, argumentative, and does not treat the step parent with respect? How about step kids that takes the side of your spouse or tries to get involved even when they don’t know the whole story or let alone the truth? That should not even be allowed to occur and the other parent should nip that in the bud regardless if the justification is that they are allowed to do that in the other house. Because it is about your household. The spouse, who is the actual parent to the step child, should truly be on the same page and team with the step parent regarding disciplining, household rules, respect, behavior, demeanor, minding their own business, and etc. As the actual parent, they have to teach their child what is allowed and not allowed in the home; that includes interaction with the step parent. As a child, it is natural for them to test what they can get away with unless told otherwise. Don't you agree that kids are this way? If the actual parent does not say anything, the child does not know any better and think that behavior or act is ok to do to that person or house. When a parent doesn’t, that parent is enabling that bad behavior and disrespect to occur in your home. And what kids learn to do at home typically they do outside of the home also. And like any children, the actual parent has to be consistent and repetitive each time a bad behavior occurs. If the child only hears this from a step parent, it has little or no weight, than it is for the child to hear that from the actual parent. Wouldn’t that be the same rule if it was your child together? Then why is it difficult to do that when there are step parents involved? The true responsibility weighs heavily on the actual parent but for some reason people think that once they remarry, their new spouse who becomes the step parent, can take that role and responsibility from them. But what they fail to see, the new step parent can help, but true movement can only happen with them implementing and being involved in their words and behavior to drive the attempt for change. The child knows who the real mom and dads are. Without this involvement from the actual parent, the step parent feels used, taken for granted, unappreciated, and a stranger to their own home. Is that a great way to make your spouse feel important or relevant?
I have seen my friends and family members do so many kind things for their step kids that is behind the scenes and sometimes not so obvious. They do this from the goodness of their heart and their attempt to do the right thing. And often times, the step child does not know or recognize these kind acts from their step parent because the step parents that I know do not brag or justify their existence or good works towards their step child. These good acts can only be recognized with the assistance of the spouse, the actual parent. Or should step parents walk around in life reminding everybody especially the step child of all the things they do for them? You are married to them and they should know what value you bring. If they don't, perhaps they lost sight of what maters. It could be as simple as the step parent working and helping with the bills, buying clothes or food, being a good role model, planning fun vacations or activities, cooking, teaching, helping, or the step parent encouraging or advising the actual parent/spouse to do the right thing and the highest good for the child, or even just a positive influence to the spouse. Shouldn’t this be enough reason to justify the good intent of the step parent for the spouse to be in the same team as their husband/wife?
Step parents feel unappreciated when they are not being recognized, respected, or appreciated; these are selfless acts especially to a child that is not their own. My very good friend told me the other day, “It would be nice if my husband told my step daughter to say thank you to me” about something she did for her without her knowing. Most of the step parents I know feel the disconnect or step parent issues from their spouse not their actual step child. They are aware that a child is a child but the adult should know better about common sense, ethics, principles, and emotional consideration.
It is not an easy task being a step parent to kids that still live at home. This remains to be consistent and true from every step parent that I know or have met. There is no black and white answer that applies to all; but a marriage should be a "true partnership". The husband and wife should be on the same page and the same team; no matter what. I met this woman at a party a couple of weeks ago and she randomnly shared to me about her key success to her 11 year marriage. She said that her and her husband's #1 priority is each other over her kids, step kids, friends, or family. Because if her and her husband are strong and are on the same page and same team about everything they do and say; her kids and her step kids all benefit and reap the rewards. She mentioned that he completely 100% defends and stands up for her to her step kids, in-laws, and etc because he wants to make sure that she feels that she is #1 priority. How many times have I heard from men and women about feeling like they are not on the same team with their spouse? But often times, spouses don't understand what it means to be on the same team and what their spouse; the step parent, needs from them. There should be real talks on what it really means for the "husband and wife" to be on the same team and how words or behaviors or lack of can contradict the "team" perspective. Most of all, it requires great consideration of the other person's challenges as the step parent because it is a "selfless job".
What has been your experience? Or know anyone that is a step parent? Best practices or success stories that you want to share?
Please post your thoughts, comments, and responses below. Your feedback to the topic is valuable.
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