My nephew Naruto (alias name referred in this blog), and I were having one of our quality time together yesterday and had one of our many deep talks. Naruto is 15 years old and is wise beyond his years; which is a consistent observation from me and my entire family. I have a very close relationship with him ever since he was little and I have felt a motherly love towards him. I truly enjoy spending time with him and we can sit for hours with the TV off and doing nothing but just talking and hanging out. He tells me a lot of intimate things that goes on in his mind and heart that his mom or other family members are not aware of, he says because I take time to sit, listen, and understand. He also said that he feels comfortable to be candid with me. He says things sometimes that leaves a wow factor to me and I had one those wow moments.
In one of our conversations, he was talking to me about his friends; which brought up the subject about one of his fights with his best friend. Then he said “Getting in a fight with a friend can be a good thing and not necessarily bad. Sometimes, it is healthy to fight but its how you fight is what matters”. So of course, I asked further questions before I jumped the gun to understand fully what he meant or his perspective. He said, “What matters is after the fight and how it brings you closer to each other and how you both handle the fight during and after. It also tells you how strong the friendship is”. I was impressed and I am now inspired to write and dig deeper about this subject.
How do we perceive fighting? I know that growing up I was taught that fighting is a very bad thing and it is best to not fight. The word itself is almost taboo because we see fighting as a negative word and we see it in movies affiliated with destruction, violence, wars, and hostility. Because of that I learned at a young age to not be confrontational even when people are mean, rude, being bullies, and disrespectful to me because it is best to not get in a fight, I thought. But as an adult, you realize that there are people in life that you do have “to stand” your ground and put in check when they step over the line of boundaries and respect or being adult bullies. And this does not necessarily mean you are fighting. This is self-respect. I think that the word itself can be convoluted because we often refer to “standing up” for your self-respect and dignity as fighting. If you think of the word “standing up” versus “fighting”; I see 2 different images. Standing up is someone who falls down but stands up with the 2 feet on the ground. Fighting is someone who is standing there throwing jabs at you; let it be destructive mean words or behavior. But if you see the 2 image, wouldn’t you say there is a difference? But maybe fighting have different degrees just like a temperature and is not all in one category? Or maybe we use the word “fighting” so casually that everything gets referred to the word “fighting”. We often hear from people or say to others, “We are not talking because we are fighting”. Or “We got in a fight”.
I remember one of my friends, Angelina Jolie (referred in this blog), called me one time regarding a fight that she had with her husband regarding her mother-in-law. I could tell that there was a sense of shame for the fact that she was fighting with her; which caused her husband to be in the middle. I think she was calling me to get a validation on her stance and that it was not necessarily wrong but is being judged by her husband as wrong because he sees it as “fighting”. Angelina was standing her ground with her mother-in-law who stepped over the boundary about her 2 kids or even her role as head of household while the mother-in-law was staying at her home for a long period of time. The interesting part of it is Angelina was accused of “fighting” when merely she was standing her ground and self-respect as the wife and mother of her children. But yet, the mother-in-law was not accused of “fighting”; when the mother-in-law crossed the line and should honor and respect that Angelina is the wife and mother of her 2 grandchildren; granted that she is not abusing her children. Maybe we should think about who is standing up and who is fighting when disagreements and friction between 2 parties occur like this, what do you think? It's kind of like driving, who has the right of way?
Why do we fight? Some people fight because they are just mean natured, instigators, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or have pent up emotions that were never expressed, jealousy, not minding their own business, or have been sabotaged mentally. Some people fight because they are “standing up” for their rights; let it be respect, wrong accusations, mean words, judgmentalness, being bullied, crossing the line of boundaries, and etc.
How can the fight become good or healthy? I think that my nephew’s comment is so true. Some of my closest friends and best friends today are bonded because of the fights/arguments we have had. It allowed us to be more intimate with each other. Fights also create a sense of genuineness because of the rawness of it all, being who you are, which is flawed and imperfect. I have seen some family members and friends that have friendships that are not real, authentic, or intimate. One of my friends who is a psychologist told me a couple of years ago, “It is natural for us to fight because we have to be allowed to express ourselves but expression is often referred to as fighting when it is not”. I love play on words and I was thinking about the word “Intimacy”. Intimacy = In To Me I See. Meaning, intimacy can only happen when you allow someone to see who you are, imperfect and flawed, without it intimacy is impossible. We only allow people to see what we want them to see, don’t you agree?
I know that fights I have had also allowed me to know and see who are my real genuine friends. It also allowed me to see the true colors of people in how they fight. There is a difference between “fighting” and “standing up”.
Several of my married friends that have been successfully married for over 9 years tell me all the time about their fights in their marriage; which I appreciate them sharing their lessons, best practices, and most of all honesty. They say, “It is not a matter of how much you fight. It is how you fight and the conflict resolution that matters. Fighting right is what each marriage needs to master and not avoiding the fight”. When I ask them what they meant by conflict resolution. They said that indicates that both people heard what the other party needs and what they will do with the information they received from the fight. If they will do something about it to create a positive change or just brush it under the carpet and ignore what the root of the problem was. I have heard this said so many times in my life even before I was married and I think to myself, there has to be truth to this statement about fighting in general and not just fighting in a marriage. When you think about it, it is in the same basis as what my 15 year old nephew said. He just said it in a manner that he can relate to his world.
When does fighting become bad? Fighting becomes bad when people start becoming destructive, vindictive, devious, conniving, malicious, and intentionally hurtful to destroy someone. Aren’t those the same characteristics of the wars we see today? When “standing up” has been taken to another level and degree and reached outside the temperature gauge. We watch the news and see the global wars in our life. But do we see that maybe we do the same thing in our own little life?
There is a difference between “standing up” and “fighting”. When taken to another degree, fighting no longer becomes healthy. But if managed and done correctly, it could be a very healthy thing for the relationship itself. It seems like fighting is the boiling point of a person because they have held back for so long, and it becomes the moment of truth.
Please post below your thoughts, comments, feedback to the topic; it is welcomed and valuable.
Zensitive
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