I was talking to my best friend (referred as Pocahontas in this blog) the other day who is single and she asked me “Why do people keep telling me that it takes another man to get over the last?” Pocahontas is in her late 30's and has been in the single scene for all this time and have never been married or have any kids. She is constantly being told this concept by people. When Pocahontas and I speak, we can be easily lost in the moment and the conversation. And I had one of those moments that left me with the thought. But the question that I want to ask you, does that really work?
I am sure that you have heard that saying before or have actually been told to you at some point in your life. Or maybe now; like Pocahontas. As I sit here and contemplate about this topic, I have to try to relate to this subject so that I can write and think about it. Therefore, I have to recall my single years and also think about the theory itself. My initial gut instinct tells me that there is something wrong with it. It sounds good but it does not feel right. But how many of us do things because it sounds good and not study it first? Or maybe because that is what everyone is telling you to do or what everyone is doing? Not a very wise idea, don’t you think?
I was single until my early 30's and had many single friends and still do and this is a common mindset in the single community. Now that I think about it, you don’t even have to be single, separated, or in the process of divorce to relate. Wouldn’t that be the same concept of the replacement method? We replace something in our life to replace it with another; let it be friends, intimate relationships, family, material items, addiction, behavior, and etc.
In the last couple of years, Pocahontas would date another man to get over the last. It appears as a temporary fix but not a permanent solution because it seems like she is always trying to get over another guy and it is a cyclical pattern. Wouldn't this be the same thing as a person who has been married more than 4-5x? Because I promised her that I would write this blog, I decided to ask single and formerly single people as well.
So why do we do it? We do it because we are trying to make ourselves feel better; so we think. By our bad attempt to numb the pain, not face the truth about ourselves and/or the other person, and loneliness. I had others tell me that it boosts their confidence, make them feel worthy and attractive, and some of them say purely for sexual reasons.
Does it work? The people I asked said yes and no depending on the motive or intention for doing it . It did help increase their confidence by realizing their attractiveness and worthiness. For these people, they said that it made them only re-discover this but keeping and maintaining that belief and knowing is up to them and not dependent on the new man/woman. And some people actually felt worse because of what the buffet had to offer; not very good selections or choices; at least not better than what they had before. Then some people said that it did help to a degree with loneliness as far as being able to be in a company of another instead of being alone. And for these people, they said that the loneliness was still there as soon as they are by themselves. And a couple of them said that, they actually felt lonelier because it was not the “ideal company” they need or want. It was merely just another body occupying space and time. And for those parties that did it for sexual reasons, well they received their instant gratification for that moment in time. A moment of high I guess. But you cannot keep that high for a very long time just like any drugs, and still have to face reality at some point.
The big question that all parties asked, is it different for men versus women? Some of them say that it is easier for women because women talk about their feelings and men don’t. Some of them say that it is easier for men because men are good at brushing things under the carpet and non emotional. Some of them say that it is equally the same because they are both human beings with real emotions, issues, and problems. And some of them say that it really depends on the person’s ethics, values, principles, and accountability. What do you think?
Pocahontas also asked me would cultural difference also affect this concept or perspective? What do you think?
What are the consequences by doing this? All of them said, someone gets hurt. Let it be yourself or the other man/woman you are involving. The other people involved typically are not aware of the burden emotionally you are carrying from your last relationship; especially when a person is good at faking and hiding it. The other person can also have a great amount of interest in you but you are not emotionally there to be present for that person or relationship; and end up making that person feel inadequate, not good enough, unattractive, and question themselves. Do you actually want to play a part in making someone feel that way? A couple of them said, you can catch diseases or get someone pregnant that you don’t want to have kids with. And they all said that you can end up being in a relationship that is not good for you because of the mindframe you were in. And they all said, you hurt yourself by not doing the work of letting go and learning from your lesson because you will see that the same pattern will occur in the next relationship. And at some point, the blaming has to stop and you will have to face the truth about yourself. They all agreed that people have to consider their ethics and principles in life; that we all fail at times.
What is the right amount of time when you know you are ready to date another man/woman? Is there a timeframe? And it no longer qualifies as a rebound? My male friend said, “When I have peace”. Another female friend said, “I know when I am completely over someone when I care for that person as a human being and I have accepted the truth about the relationship or the person. And I am no longer making excuses for them, what they have done, the "what if", pointing the finger and blaming”. My colleague said “My biggest clue is when I have no interest at all to think about them, ponder on the memories, or even curious to what they are doing or where they are right now”. Another person said “I ask myself 3 questions, how would I feel at that moment if I saw them tomorrow? Would there be pain and love and anger? How would I feel afterwards when we say our goodbyes; would I miss them or remember the love or be at peace?” So I asked him, what if you do feel that love or missing that person after seeing them or saying goodbye? He said "This happened to me one time in my life and still today about the same person, I realize the mistake I made in the relationship but was stupid to not see it about myself then and it is now too late". And today, this same person married the new woman, 3 years after, but he tells me that it is just not the same but he does not show it he just feels it in his heart.
We can run but we cannot hide. No matter who you were with or presently with is for a reason; it is up to you to see the reason. Regardless of who you were with, the relationship you had with that person cannot be identical to another because there is not another person that is 100% like them. And the combination of you and that person is what made that relatiionship special and also painful. We are all unique and different. So if you are looking to find that same person or what you exactly had in that relationship, it is not possible. And whoever you will be with next, is another reason and beauty of it’s own but you have to be there fully present – mind, body, and spirit to see it. Or you will miss the point and take the risk or chance of ruining a relationship with that woman/man that is the right one.
Please post below your thoughts, comments, and responses to the topic, your feedback is encouraged and valuable.
Zensitive
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